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Hey guys, how is everyone? Work has been pretty hectic for me, moved into the office and now I just play with Microsoft Excel whilst listening to Doctor Who music all day. Went to Hong Kong for a week as well to mee the Woman's mother. I think I scored about a 70% approval rating which was hugely disappointing since I was expecting at least a high distinction - but its not a big deal I'm sure she'll be won over in time, no one can really withstand the charm for long. Anyway, lets get blogging.

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Work Section

I noticed something pretty cool in the office kitchen today; we use Morning Fresh dish washing tablets. It's like 'Rawr we have more than 10 times your market share but we'll still buy you out and put you to work in our office like our bitch'.  It's actually very similar to when an invading army conquers enemy territory and enslaves the womenfolk for rape and dish washing duties.

About 20% of the people I work with have English accents. This makes me very jealous. Honestly, no matter who you are, or what you look like, an English accent is easily a +2 to your hotness. Unfortunetly there isn't really anyone terribly good looking at work except a guy from NZ named Clark. He actually looks like Clark Kent as well because he's built, has black hair and really thick dorky glasses. I suppose this is a good segue into the next section.

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Gay / Mardi Gras section

This is going to be lengthy guys. Just warning you upfront.

1. The ultimate gay anthem is Lady Gaga's 'Born this way' in which there is the lyric: 'Cause God makes no mistakes, Baby you were born this way'. Now this seems to make pretty reasonably and logical sense on the surface, following the commonly held belief that God is perfect. However, given the fact that serial killers and child rapists exist it's clear that whilst God might not make mistakes, people do. One such mistake is bumming a guy. One bigger mistake is being bummed.

2. Email to Ed's Locksmiths (info@edlock.com), sent 2.3.2012

Hello,

I would like to enquire about the cost of adding another deadlock to my unit's front door. I live in Darlinghurst which is where I believe your business is situated. I am sure you are aware that Darlinghurst will be inundated with a metaphorical flood of gay people this weekend. Being an exceptionally attractive male, I would like some extra protection to ensure that my anal virginity is not compromised. I already have one deadlock on the front door and would relish the extra peace of mind that another would provide. I feel that two deadlocks will be sufficient to prevent the gay hordes from breaking down my door and dragging me out into the semen and used condom filled streets and alleyways. Could you please provide a quote for this work?

Sincerely,

Damien Yong

3. Our Neighbours

So the Woman and I ran into our neighbours the other day as we both arrived home at the same time. They were two guys. Immediately I thought 'oh no...' but the stupidly optimistic and happy person that I am decided to give them the benefit of the doubt: maybe they were friends and it was a two bedroom apartment. Anyway we were talking and we told them that we lived in unit 16. To which one of them (the smaller one) (just a quick side note, when you meet two gay guys is the first thing that goes through your head the question of which one is the pitcher and which is the receiver? Do they take turns? Or is one just the other's bitch? What's the deal?). Anyway, the smaller one replied: 'Oh, unit 16. We used to live there ages ago, its nice'.

I said "Oh that's cool, well then, see you guys later"

I thought the following:

A. 'we' used to liver there... Its a one bedroom apartment... 'we'.... THEY'RE SODOMISERSSSSS!!!!!!

B. "WAIT WHAT. THEY USED TO LIVE IN OUR APARTMENT. WHEN DID THEY LIVE THERE. HOW LONG AGO EXACTLY. WHAT IS THE HALF LIFE ON GAY GERMS. I RECENTLY WENT TO HK AND BOUGHT HEAPS OF CLOTHES. I WORE CUFF LINKS TO THE OFFICE THE OTHER DAY... AM I INFECTED...?????"

4. Dear real estate agency,

I would like to pay for 29 days worth of rent this month instead of the usual 30. I believe that I am entitled to this on account of the fact that I should not be required to pay rent for Saturday 3rd March. Due to the Mardi Gras, I will be forced to stay at least 30km away from my place of residence in Darlinghurst in order to avoid gay germs.

I am being more than reasonable in not asking for compensation for such an inconvieniece, merely that I be excempt from paying rent for that day. I might also add that you failed to mention in your advertisments for the unit that it was a mere 20m away from a well known transvestite hang out spot. Whom should I speak to regarding a renegotiation of our rental terms agreement, or should I just go straight to the Australian Fair Trading Commission with my concerns regarding your fraudulent advertising."

I would love to send this email, however as both mine and the Woman's names are on the lease; in the unlikely event that it was somehow deemed offensive or discriminatory it might place a black mark upon our rental history. Which would probably mean me getting into trouble. Which would mean less sexy favours. Which is bad.

5. Ben Fordam on 2GB today.

So I was listening to Ben on 2GB as I drove home today and he was talking about how Kylie was performing at the Mardi Gras. He then told us how he'd managed to get 'Maxi' one of Sydney's favourite transvestites to call in and have a chat about it. My first point of contention would be how the fuck does Sydney have a favourite transvestite. That's like having a favourite disease - 'Oh I like lupus more than cancer- the scars are so much cooler'. Anyway here is their conversation:

Ben: "So Maxi, if you had to pick just one Kylie song for the night, which would it be? What's your favourite"

It: "Oh Bennny... You can't ask a drag queen to pick just one Kylie song, they're all so fabulous! Umm... This is a really hard one...." 

Ben: "Ok I'll jump in here and save you, what about 'Can't get you out of my head'?"

It: "Oh you can jump in here any time you like Ben...."

WHY ARE DRAG QUEENS SO FUCKING FLAMBOYANT. CAN YOU JUST NOT. PLEASE. CAN EVERYTHING NOT BE A DISGUSTING SEXUAL INNUENDO. I DON'T DO IT TO GIRLS BECAUSE IT'S CREEPY. WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO DO IT TO GUYS. WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE A PENIS. ITS WEIRD. PLEASE JUST STOP.

That is all.

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Nature vs Nurture.

So one of the oldest debates about human development is that of nature vs. nurture, are people the product of their nature i.e. their genes and DNA or are they a product of nurture; their environment and upbringing. I have always been strongly on the side of nurture, I think people who try to say we lean more towards nature are just weak losers who are trying to palm off responsibility and blame for why their kid is a delinquent. Anyway, here is some definitive proof that nurture can overcome nature.

Here is a photo of Hannah Simone (from the t.v. series New Girl):

She is half Indian and half Greek. However, as you can see. She does not have a moustache or hairy arms. Growing up in America, with American ideals has led her to mature in such a way that she is not a super hairy yeti thing. So for all the curry girls out there who hide behind the 'it's not my fault my moustache is really prominent - I haven't had a chance to shave since lunch time' excuse. No. That won't do, Hannah Simone has proven that nurture > nature and you should go out and buy some Veet from Costco.

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Media Section

Alright guys, that's about it for today. Gotta keep it quick so I can go to bed early and thus wake up early and leave Darlinghurst before the apocalypse tomorrow. Enjoy a few funny pictures that should make you realise what a racist you are when you smile.

His face is just so classic. It's a .Gif so maybe you have to click on it. Also Tracy has the biggest 'I am not impressed' look on her face. 

Get it...? Well done ESPN. I think headline writer would be a pretty pun job to have.

 I bet her Asian parents had it all planned out since conception.

I can't stand when girls use the wrong your/you're. Seriously, if Megan Fox used the wrong one I wouldn't even go there. Well, definitely not twice.

If I were the boss of Channel 7 news I would totally have made this happen. Also note the 'this isn't funny you guys' look on her face. Too funny.

That's it guys,

Till next time,

Cheers
Damien.

I was told to be more considerate & to try to see things from her perspective.

So I went to the kitchen and looked out the window....

But I still don't see what the big deal is about anal sex....

Just kidding, I think its gross too. Also the double punch-line is like a double rainbow whoop whoop!

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What are women good for?

Girlfriends, aside from their obvious uses such as sexy times and having small appetites so you get one and a half courses at dinner, are also terribly useful for getting you tickets to things like this:

This is going to be so damn epic. I cannot wait. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. AND I'm going to make two life long friends by telling the people I'm sitting next to this funny joke:

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Doctor."

"Doctor who...."

Also, I've invented the best doctor who pick up line of all time. Women of the universe, should you see Ris you should thank her for taking an evil seduction mastermind off the streets and keeping you safe from charm. (see what I did there. I said charm instead of harm).

Anyway here's the line (but you won't get it unless you are a doctor who fan):

"Hey, can I tell you a secret? I actually hate the doctor... Which is why I'm so glad I found you. You give me the one thing that his sonic screwdriver can't defeat....."

So if you know any girls who are into Doctor who, and you want to bed them, just say this line to them and start unzipping your fly. In the highly unlikely even that it doesn't work, you can follow up with:

"I have to wear special Tardis underwear, otherwise it just won't fit...."

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News article title: Hobart set to get Korean suburb

Yes, this is real. It's seriously as if someone thought 'gee, Tasmania might never be as shit as Perth but we're going to damn well try'.  In a matter of years the population of Korea-land will slowly dwindle as none of the locals will want to breed with them. After a few decades the Koreans will become mutated (I mean more mutated) and inbred. Which I suppose will make them real Tasmanians. So maybe it will all work out. 

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Going to HK

So I'm going to HK tomorrow for about a week to see the sights and meet Ris's Mum. I'm not too daunted, I'm quite confident my natural charm will be sufficient, but I was wondering if you guys could answer a few questions on etiquette? 

1. Is it considered, in any way, rude to voice the opinion that feng shui (Chinese thing about arranging furniture to harness energy and luck) is one of the stupidest things in the universe if Ris's mum believes in it?

2. How long, after making someone's acquaintance, is it socially acceptable to ask if you can marry their daughter?

3. You know in movies when the guy says to the mum "wow, I can see where X get's her good looks from". Is there any universe in which you can say this and not sound like Ultra Seedy Man 2000?

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Someone had a baby

Does anyone remember someone? My one and only memory of her was that one day she was coming back from Hockey on Wednesday sport or something and she had hockey socks on and I thought to myself 'That new girl with the weird face has kinda nice legs'. That is literally all I remember of her.


Yeah so apparently she had a baby. I'd just like to say a huge congratulations to her. And by congratulations I mean WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? YOU HAD A BABY? YOU'RE 23. YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED UNI. WHY THE FUCK. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO MED SCHOOL AND INTERN AND HAVE A BABY AT THE SAME TIME? WHY WOULD ANYONE DECIDE THAT NOW IS A GOOD STAGE IN LIFE TO PUSH A BABY OUT OF THEIR VAGINA. DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHEN HE'S 16 AND IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'LL BE 39. AS YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE THE YOUNGEST AND HOTTEST MUM ALL HIS FRIENDS WILL WANT TO FUCK YOU. ISN'T THAT DISTURBING? DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE GETTING KNOCKED UP? IF HE GETS AN AVERAGE LOOKING GIRLFRIEND ALL HIS FRIENDS WILL TELL HIM HIS MUM IS HOTTER THAN HIS GIRLFRIEND. THEY WILL KEEP TRYING TO DO SCHOOL PROJECTS AT YOUR PLACE SO THEY CAN SEE YOU AND THEN, AS SOON AS YOU TURN AROUND, BANG. START MASTURBATING. HAVE YOU THOUGHT THIS THROUGH? INCONSIDERATE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BECOME PARENTS.


I was going to post a picture of someone and the baby, but I'm scared that I might be violating some child porn laws and maybe there are baby porn laws or privacy laws or something. So just go facebook her yourselves.


Also, the kid's name is Aiden... If he has a Jamaican friend his Jamaican friend could just say "heeyy thennn" in a Jamaican accent, which is pretty cool. So I can see that you've at least given some thought to this kid.

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Media Section!

 I love me a good pun. 

For those that don't know congress recently passed legislation that classified tomato sauce on pizza as a serving of vegetables for nutritional purposes. 

So this girl posted pictures of her journey from 197 to 124 pounds, or as I see it her journey from being a sub human fat mutant thing to a real human being who has feelings and deserves respect. Also note the tremendous difference between 132 and 124. The last 8 pounds is worth like 3/10 points in hotness. 

Is there something wrong with me if this made me giggle like a little girl for like 5 minutes? 

 Email to feminist. Watch hissy fit. Profit.

Look at this guy. Then look at the video below.

Okay so the loincloth thing is disturbing. But. The lyrics are freakn awesome. Watching this video made me think of Ambrose. I wonder how he's doing these days. Also, whilst writing this post I've been listening to this rather loud and on repeat. My neighbours probably think I'm hard/gangsta now. 

I wonder how old my kid will have to be before I can do this with minimal and acceptable psychological damage.

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Cheers guys,

Wish me luck in Hong Kong. There will be Chinese people there. I hope I don't catch rudeness.

Damien!

I bet being Muslim is really tough.

That's why they call it jihad. As in...jihard. See what I did there? It's funny because all Muslims are terrorists. 

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If I had one wish, it would probably be for a smaller, less obtrusive penis. If I had two wishes, the second would be for Serena Williams to either lose weight or wear a much, much longer skirt. If I wanted to watch a cave woman I'd turn on the history channel and watch a documentary. Or if I really felt like seeing Williams I'd put on an old episode of Pokemon with jynx.

'The forest called me and asked for it's tree trunks back, but I said no, I need my legs to play tennis'

I felt a huge sense of relief when during a match between Sharapova and Kvitova the commentators reported that despite being ranked lower, and having won less championships and titles; Sharapova's total earnings through sponsorship and endorsement were more than triple that of Kvitova's. The morale is that in women's tennis, and also in every other aspect of life, the primary determinant of success for a woman is her hotness. The world is good.

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Christianity

One of the biggest questions I've always had regarding Christianity is about the whole died for our sins thing. That's sort of like saying my friend stole a car but I'll go to jail on his behalf so its all magically good and forgiven now so... yay! :) lets go suck on God's penis together. But the one big question that I've always had, the one that's really made me question everything has finally been answered. Here you can read about what the bible has to say about: The Danger of Pokemon Fascination. And this isn't some crazy group of extremists; it's from www.bible.com! Here's my favourite bit:

"Since it is a role playing game, some of the characters are not good and this opens the door for children to receive evil influences and even demonic invasion."

I was going to leave it there but I just can't resist the urge to shout: 'YOU GUYS ARE SO RIDICULOUSLY SILLY.'

I haven't had a good Christian chat with anyone in a while, so if you are Christian and not retarded (yes there are some who fit both these seemingly contradictory criteria) and you are up for a chat please give me a yell. I promise there will be no pokemon games, trading cards or soft toys to corrupt your pure and godly soul.

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Sushi Yum!

So there's this sushi place really close to our place called Sushi on Stanley. It is ridiculously good food at ridiculously cheap prices. It's so good that I don't even mind the owners and chefs actually being Korean. I wonder how it feels being Korean and knowing that no one wants to eat yuckky kim chi and that you have to pretend to be Japanese (which is basically a higher level Asian) in order to have a successful restaurant. 

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Observation:

When it is raining, there is a dramatic reduction in transvestite infestation numbers.

Conclusion:

Transvestites, like witches and other unholy spirits do not like water.

Resolution:

Buy water pistol. Carry everywhere.

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So, the Professional Wingman Association

is a real thing. You hire one of them and he follows you around to bars and stuff to tutor and wing man you. This would be the best job ever! Imagine the job satisfaction of helping a loser score a girl that's much too hot for him!

But after much thought, I am faced with the sad realization that this is something I can probably never accomplish. Disappointing. Let this be a lesson to all of you who say things like 'gee I wish I was as good looking as you are Damien' or 'really good looking people like you having nothing to complain about' - it's not all fun and games being super handsome, I could never be a professional wingman because all the girls would just want me instead of the person I'm trying to wingman for. Fail :(

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Media Section whoop whoop!

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I love trolls. There is very little on the Internet that can make me laugh like a good troll.

Yes, the Sh*t [insert minority] says meme is getting old, but guys it's Samuel L Jackson. How could I say no?

Again, some pretty excellent trolling work.

 Racism is always funny. Always. By the way, you have to click this one because its a .gif 

I found this picture really funny because after I read the top bit before scrolling down, I really did make that face and have that thought run through my head. I'm awesome.

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That's a wrap folks.

Cheers,

Damien